The Ultimate Catfight
by Pjazz
Summary: Kramer builds a boxing ring in his apartment. George pretends to be blind to get a date. Elaine has the biggest catfight of her life.


***The Ultimate Catfight***  
  
  
  
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz  
  
2003  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. TONIO'S RESTAURANT, NYC. ELAINE ENTERS AND APPROACHES THE COUNTER TO SPEAK TO NORA, THE WAITRESS.  
  
  
  
  
ELAINE: Excuse me. Do have a restroom? A need the toilet real bad.  
  
NORA: Yeah, we got a restroom.  
  
ELAINE: Great. I've been in meetings all day. Coffee coffee coffee. You know how it is.  
  
NORA:(SARCASTIC) Oh yeah. I got high powered business meetings coming out my butt.  
  
ELAINE: So if I can just...  
  
NORA: Restroom's for customers only.  
  
ELAINE: It'll only take a minute.  
  
NORA: Customers only. Ya gotta buy something.  
  
ELAINE: Ok. I'll have a Latte. To go.  
  
NORA: Latte. To go. Eight bucks.  
  
ELAINE: (HANDS OVER $10) Keep the change. Now can I use the restroom?  
  
NORA: Nope.  
  
ELAINE: What? I bought a Latte. I'm a customer.  
  
NORA: Latte to go doesn't count.  
  
ELAINE: You didn't tell me that.  
  
NORA: You didn't ask.  
  
ELAINE: Currant bagel. That okay?  
  
NORA: Sure. Your money.  
  
ELAINE: Where's the restroom?  
  
NORA: Closed. Out of order.  
  
ELAINE: What? You didn't you tell me that.  
  
NORA: You didn't ask.  
  
ELAINE: So I wasted my money on a bagel and a latte.  
  
NORA: You ordered them.  
  
ELAINE: To. Use. The. Restroom. Hello? Are you a moron?  
  
NORA: Are you calling me a moron?  
  
ELAINE: Since you're the only moron here, I guess I must be.  
  
NORA: That there's fighting talk.  
  
ELAINE: Bring it on!  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE. GEORGE IS HAVING HIS EYES TESTED.  
  
  
DOC: I think you may have early signs of glaucoma, Mr Costanza.   
You'll need to use eye drop twice aday. And wear these dark glasses.  
  
  
DOC HANDS GEORGE A PAIR OF DARK WRAPAROUND SUNGLASSES.  
  
  
GEORGE: Hey. Cool. Just like Elwood's.  
  
DOC: Elwood?  
  
GEORGE: Elwood Blues. The Blues Brothers  
  
DOC: This is potentially serious, Mr Costanza. Keep them on at all times. Even indoors.  
  
GEORGE: No problem, Doc.  
  
  
GEORGE ADMIRES HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR. HE TURNS HIS SHIRT COLLAR UP. LOOKING COOL.  
  
  
  
  
CUTAWAY TO - EXT. DAY. SIDEWALK.   
  
  
  
GEORGE, WEARING HIS WRAPAROUND SHADES, IS AWITING FOR TRAFFIC TO CLEAR TO CROSS THE STREET.  
  
JILL, AN ATTRACTIVE BRUNETTE, WAITS BESIDE HIM TO CROSS. SHE NOTICES GEORGE'S SHADES AND MISTAKES HIM AS BLIND.  
  
  
JILL: Do you need help crossing the street?  
  
GEORGE: Pardon me?  
  
JILL: I'll help you. (SHE TAKES GEORGE'S ARM. THEY CROSS THE STREET TOGETHER)  
  
I think you're very brave. I wouldn't walk the streets if I was blind.  
  
GEORGE: Blind. (TWIGGING) Oh you get used to it. Not a big deal.  
  
JILL: Do you have a guide dog?  
  
GEORGE: Sure. He's...at the vets. Being wormed. I'm George Costanza.  
  
JILL: Jill Hendricks.  
  
GEORGE: Would you like to go out to dinner sometime? Catch a movie?  
  
JILL: Movie?  
  
GEORGE: I like to listen. Even if I can't see the screen.  
  
JILL: Well...  
  
GEORGE: I understand. A pretty girl, blind man.  
  
JILL: No, no. It's nothing like that.  
  
GEORGE: Hey don't worry about it. Get it all the time.  
  
JILL: Ok. I will. Perhaps I could meet your guide dog. What's his name?  
  
GEORGE: His name. His name is Vandelay. Had him for years. Don't know what I'd do without him.  
Man's best friend and all.  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER.  
  
  
  
JERRY: You got into a catfight with a waitress at Tonio's?  
  
KRAMER: Tonio's do a great Danish. Did you order that?  
  
ELAINE: I didn't want to order anything. I just needed to use the restroom. But this waitress was crazy. We got in this stupid fight.  
  
JERRY: Who won?  
  
ELAINE: Well, she had the weight advantage. But I had the speed.  
  
KRAMER: Oh yeah. You're fit. You're limber. You work out. You're Sugar Elaine Benes.  
  
JERRY: Sugar Elaine Benes? What are you, Howard Cosell?  
  
KRAMER: Jab and move, baby. Jab and move.  
  
  
KRAMER STARTS SHADOW BOXING.  
  
  
ELAINE: Anyway, I gave her the Benes one-two.  
  
JERRY: You mean...  
  
ELAINE: Uh huh. Get out!  
  
JERRY: I know those get out's. They're lethal.  
  
ELAINE: No one messes with Sugar Elaine Benes.  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP. JERRY, ELAINE, KRAMER AND GEORGE SHARE A BOOTH.  
  
  
  
JERRY: You're pretending to be blind to get a date? That's a new low,George, even by your standards.  
  
GEORGE: I'm so low I could limbo dance under a centipede, baby. All I need now is a guide dog.  
  
ELAINE: A guide dog?  
  
GEORGE: I told her I have a guide dog called Vandelay.  
  
KRAMER: My friend Bob Saccamano can get you a dog. What kind you want, buddy?  
  
GEORGE: What's it matter? Not as if I actually need it to guide me.  
  
ELAINE: George, does it ever occur to you you might go to hell?  
  
JERRY: Oh that's a done deal. George has a first class non refundable ticket.  
  
GEORGE: And what makes you so certain you won't, Elaine?  
  
ELAINE: Oh no. Not me. No sir. You guys mebbe. Not Elaine. Lainy's going with the harps and the angels and the long white flowing robes.  
  
JERRY: Yeah right.  
  
GEORGE: Gimme a break.  
  
ELAINE: I am!  
  
KRAMER: Elaine, you're damned by association. Wherever we go - pop -you go.  
  
GEORGE: When we're shoveling coal in the furnaces of hell, you'll be right there with us.  
  
ELAINE: No. No. Don't say that. I'm not good in a warm climate. My hair frizzes.  
  
  
  
  
EXT. DAY. NyC STREET. ELAINE.  
  
  
ELAINE WALKING ALONG NOTICES A CHURCH.  
  
CUTAWAY TO --  
  
INT: CATHOLIC CHURCH. ELAINE ENTERS A CONFESSIONAL BOOTH.  
  
  
  
ELAINE: Bless me father, for I have sinned.  
  
FATHER THOMAS: Bless you, my child. How long since your last confession?  
  
ELAINE: Years and years. And years. I have slept with many men. Many, many men.  
  
FATHER: I see.  
  
ELAINE: All total losers. Will I go to hell?  
  
FATHER: Well---  
  
ELAINE: Oh and I have these three friends. You wouldn't believe what they get up to.  
There's one called George---  
  
FATHER: George Costanza?  
  
ELAINE: You know George?  
  
FATHER: Oh yes. Mr Costanza has quite a reputation.  
  
ELAINE: But he's not catholic.  
  
FATHER: There's a certain ammount of cross denominational gossip. Mr Costanza's name has come up a number of times. Some in the clergy think him not a real man but a myth, a bogeyman to scare unruly children.  
  
ELAINE: He's real. Beleive me.  
  
FATHER: In that case, perhaps you could get his autograph for me?  
  
ELAINE: If I get it will it keep me from going to hell?  
  
FATHER: It's a small step in the right direction.  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. NIGHT. RESTAURANT. GEORGE AND JILL. GEORGE IS STILL WEARING HIS WRAPAROUNDS   
PRETENDING TO BE BLIND.  
  
  
JILL: How long have you been blind?  
  
GEORGE: Oh quite a while. It's no picnic I can tell ya.  
  
JILL: You're so brave.  
  
GEORGE: Yes I am. And intuitive. I bet I can describe how you look. Five-two. Brunette. Hair parted in the middle. Hah! And your eyes are green.  
  
JILL: Yes! George, how did you do that?  
  
GEORGE: It's a knack.  
  
  
JILL SPILLS HER WINE.  
  
  
JILL: Damn. I've got wine on my dress. Could we go back to my apartment so I can change? It's just a couple of blocks.  
  
GEORGE: Sure thing. Just point me at the door.  
  
  
  
CUTAWAY TO ---  
  
INT. JILL'S APARTMENT. GEORGE AND JILL ENTER.  
  
  
  
JILL: Won't be long.   
  
GEORGE: Take all the time you need.  
  
  
JILL STARTS TO UNDRESS. GEORGE IS SURPRISED THEN REALISES HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE BLIND.  
  
  
JILL: George, are you ok? You're perspiring.  
  
GEORGE: Never felt better in my life.  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. CORRIDOR LEADING TO JERRY AND KRAMER'S APARTMENTS.  
  
  
JERRY AND GEORGE.  
  
  
JERRY: She stripped naked in front of you?  
  
GEORGE: Naked. She thinks I'm blind remember. I'm like Superman with X ray vision.  
  
JERRY: And on a first date.  
  
GEORGE: Where's Elaine these days?  
  
JERRY: She's taking Bible studies with Father Thomas. That talk about going to hell really freaked her out.  
  
GEORGE: Hell! (SNORTS) Hell will be full of short bald men like me who never got a break.  
  
JERRY: You'll feel right at home.  
  
  
  
KRAMER APPEARS IN HIS DOORWAY.  
  
  
KRAMER: Hey, compadres. Check it out.  
  
  
JERRY AND GEORGE ENTER KRAMER'S APARTMENT. HE HAS INSTALLED A FULL SIZE BOXING RING.  
  
  
JERRY: You built a boxing ring in your apartment? Why?  
  
KRAMER: Elaine's fight at Tonio's got me thinking.  
  
JERRY: This you call thinking?  
  
GEORGE: Hey Kramer, where's that guide dog you promised me? Jill wants to meet Vandelay.  
  
KRAMER: Right here, buddy. There you go.  
  
  
KRAMER HANDS GEORGE A DACHSHUND, A SMALL DOG.  
  
  
GEORGE: A dachshund? What kind of guide dog is a dachshund?  
  
KRAMER: It was all Bob Saccamano had.  
  
GEORGE: I'm going to look pretty stupid using a dachshund as a guide dog.  
  
  
THE DACHSHUND PEES ON GEORGE'S LEG.  
  
  
JERRY: Ah look. He likes you.  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. GYM. MEL, A PRETTY BLONDE, IS PRACTICING KICK BOXING. JERRY WALKS BY. HE LIKES WHAT HE SEES.  
  
  
JERRY: Pretty slick moves.  
  
MEL: Just letting off steam. I'm supposed to be training my sister Nora. But she's late.  
  
JERRY: You're her personal trainer?  
  
MEL: No. A woman beat her up last week. I'm teaching her some moves so if she ever sees her again - pow! Kinda hard to train in here though.  
  
JERRY: My neighbour has a boxing ring in his apartment. I'm sure he'd let you use it.  
  
MEL: That'd be great. Thanks.  
  
JERRY: I'm Jerry.  
  
MEL: Mel.  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. KRAMER'S APARTMENT. NORA, THE WAITRESS FROM TONIO'S, AND HER SISTER MEL ARE SPARRING IN THE RING. KRAMER, IN TRACK SUIT, WATCHES.  
  
  
KRAMER: Pretty fancy boxing, ladies.  
  
MEL: Thanks Kramer. Why don't you get in the ring and let Nora trade some punches?  
  
  
KRAMER GETS IN THE RING. HE PUTS ON BOXING GLOVES. HE DOES SOME EXAGGERATED ALI SHUFFLES WHICH ALMOST MAKE HIM FALL OVER.  
  
  
MEL: Hit him, Nora!  
  
  
NORA WHACKS KRAMER IN THE STOMACH. HE DOUBLES UP IN PAIN.  
  
  
MEL: Hit him again!  
  
  
NORA WHACKS KRAMER ON THE CHIN. HE FLIPS OVER.  
  
  
MEL: Great stuff, Kramer. Thanks.  
  
KRAMER: (GROGGY) Giddyup.  
  
  
ELAINE ENTERS.  
  
  
ELAINE: Kramer, you seen Jerry? There's no answer at his door.  
  
NORA: You!  
  
ELAINE: Excuse me?  
  
NORA: (TO MEL) She's the one from the other day.  
  
MEL: You think you can beat up my sister and get away with it?  
  
ELAINE: Oh that. Listen that was all a misunderstanding.  
  
NORA: I want a rematch.  
  
ELAINE: What? I'm not going to fight you.  
  
MEL: What's the matter - you yellow?  
  
NORA: She's chicken. A big scaredy-cat chicken.  
  
ELAINE: I am so out of here.  
  
NORA: And you've got greasy hair!  
  
ELAINE: Hey! No one disses my hair. You wanna fight? You got it.  
  
MEL: Friday. 7 o'clock. Here. Ok with you, Kramer?  
  
KRAMER: Oh yeah.  
  
  
  
  
  
EXT. DAY. NYC STREET. GEORGE AND JILL. GEORGE HAS HIS DACHSHUND.  
  
  
JILL: This is Vandelay? I didn't know dachshund's could be guide dogs.  
  
GEORGE: Oh yeah. Vandelay is a special kind of dachshund specially bred for the job.  
  
JILL: Aren't his legs a little short?  
  
GEORGE: He can shift plenty when he wants to. Can't you, boy?  
  
  
VANDELAY BITES GEORGE'S HAND.  
  
  
JILL: Did he just bite you?  
  
GEORGE: He's just playful.  
  
JILL: You're bleeding.  
  
GEORGE: What's a lttle blood?  
  
  
VANDELAY RUNS AWAY.  
  
  
GEORGE: Vandelay, come back!  
  
  
GEORGE RUNS AFTER VANDELAY AND GRABS HIM. HIS SUNGLASSES FALL OFF.  
  
  
GEORGE: That was close. He was half way to the subway.  
  
JILL: You're not blind at all. You lied to me, George.  
  
GEORGE: I am kinda short sighted.  
  
JILL: Goodbye.  
  
GEORGE: My optrometrist says I could have glaucoma in a few years. Can I call you?  
  
JILL: Go to hell, George.  
  
GEORGE: Pretty much a certainty.  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY, ELAINE AND KRAMER.  
  
  
ELAINE IS SEATED ON A CHAIR. SHE IS IN FULL BOXING KIT - WHITE LACE UP BOOTS, RED SATIN SHORTS, WHITE SINGLET AND LEATHER HEADGUARD. KRAMER IS LACING HER BOXING GLOVES.  
  
  
JERRY: So you're really going through with this?  
  
KRAMER: She has to, Jerry. I've got 50 people in my place. At $20 a head.  
  
ELAINE: You charged 20 bucks to see me fight?  
  
KRAMER: Well yeah. I got overheads, Elaine.  
  
JERRY: Where's Mel? I'm thinking of asking her out.  
  
ELAINE: Her sister wants to kill me, and you want a date?  
  
KRAMER: Newman's place. Getting Nora ready to rumble.  
  
ELAINE: I'm just glad Father Thomas can't see me. I'd be in hell for sure.  
  
KRAMER: Just remember, jab and move. Jab and move.  
  
ELAINE: You know, I'm sure Nora's really a very warm and sweet person when you get to know her.  
  
  
  
  
CUTAWAY TO -  
  
INT. NEWMAN'S APARTMENT. NORA AND MEL.  
  
  
NORA IS WEARING BLACK LACE UP BOOTS, BLACK SATIN SHORTS, BLACK SINGLET AND LEATHER HEADGUARD. MEL IS LACING HER GLOVES.  
  
  
MEL: Are you ready to rumble?  
  
NORA: I'm ready.  
  
MEL: What you going to do to her?  
  
NORA: Kill the bitch!  
  
MEL: I can't hear you.  
  
NORA: KILL THE BITCH!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. NIGHT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT. ELAINE AND NORA ARE IN THE RING. NEWMAN IS THE REFEREE.  
  
  
  
  
KRAMER: Remember, Elaine. Bob and weave. Duck and dive. Float like a butterfly,   
sting like a bee.  
  
JERRY: Do you even know what you're talking about?  
  
KRAMER: Put your gumshield in, Elaine.  
  
ELAINE: Gum shield? What's that for?  
  
KRAMER: Stop your teeth getting knocked out.  
  
ELAINE: (WITH GUMSHIELD IN) Mmmf? Krmr? Mf tth? yr gtt kddng rght?  
  
  
JERRY SMILES AND WAVES ACROSS AT MEL. SHE SMILES AND WAVES BACK.  
  
  
JERRY: I am so asking her out.  
  
  
NEWMAN: Ladies and gentlemen. In the blue corner. From Queens. Weighing in at 160 pounds. Smokin' Nora Slobotnik!  
  
  
CHEERS  
  
  
NEWMAN: In the red corner. From the upper east side. Weighing in at 110 pounds.   
Sugar Elaine Benes!  
  
  
CHEERS  
  
NEWMAN: Seconds out. Round one.  
  
  
BELL SOUNDS  
  
  
FATHER THOMAS ENTERS AND TAPS KRAMER ON THE SHOULDER.  
  
  
FATHER THOMAS: Excuse me. Do you know where I can find Elaine Benes?  
  
KRAMER: Sugar Elaine? That's her. Red trunks.  
  
FATHER THOMAS: Elaine?  
  
ELAINE: Father Thomas!  
  
  
  
ELAINE TURNS HER HEAD TO LOOK AT FATHER THOMAS.  
  
  
IN CLOSE UP SLOW MOTION WE SEE NORA THROW A RIGHT CROSS PUNCH THAT LANDS FLUSH ON ELAINE'S JAW.  
  
  
THE SCENE FREEZES.  
  
MUSIC  
  
CREDITS ROLL  
  
  
  
***THE END***  
  
  
  
  
Enjoy the script? Let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk  
  
Or post a review at fanfiction. net 


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